The Art of the Gracious No

My earliest people pleasing memory occurred when I was in kindergarten.  My mother and I were shopping for what I would wear to the small, but ever important, graduation ceremony.  We went to Payless and she picked two pairs of shoes off the shelves for me to try on.  The first pair was white, simple and matte, with a single strap that ran across the top.  The second was black, lustrous and fanciful, with a strap you could wear across the top or slide behind the heel so your shoes appeared strapless.  “Ohhh…” I thought to myself, “that’s fancy!”  This opinion was shared by most girls my age in the latter part of the 1980’s; these shoes were it.

Noting my expression, my mom looked at me and said, “You probably like the black ones best.”  For a reason unknown to me, I took that to mean that she wanted me to choose the white pair.  “No,” I responded, “I like the white ones.”  “Really?!” she answered in disbelief.  Ultimately, she purchased both pairs and I enjoyed wearing them on different occasions.  But that event marked the beginning, in my memory, of at least 20 more years of striving to meet the expectations of others, real or not.

---

This past December I turned 35 years old.  While I do not consider myself to be old, I am, in fact, growing older.  My wisdom lights are coming in at a more rapid pace, intertwining with my dark, curly locks.  I’ve decided that I like them, for now.  Check back with me in a month and see if I have the same opinion.  I cannot remember a time in my life that I have felt more comfortable in my own skin.

Last year, a dear friend gifted a book to me, The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst.  In it, the author shares ways she has spread herself too thin in the past and what helps her prioritize her life.

I ate. it. up.  Every word. There is a phrase she quotes in the book when needing to say no to something.  I have adjusted it so it sounds like something I would share.  When needing to turn down an invitation or opportunity, I try to respond with, “I am not able to give that (whatever the event) the attention it deserves right now.”  I have said no so many times these last couple of years.  No to good things and worthwhile endeavors.

I shudder to think of how I survived my early twenties, running from person to person, and event to event, eager to do it all and do it well.

Now I’m more contented staying in, enjoying the company of my husband, three children and dog.  I like group happenings and celebrations when I participate.  I love and am fascinated by people.  My social media feed is full of people posing with their squads—friendships, gym memberships, organizations and clubs—and it’s all good stuff!  My main squad is my family.  Someone once said if you reach the end of your life and can count true friends on one hand, you have been blessed.  The older I get, the more I realize this is true.

There are other messages and ideals I have had to refute; some subtle and others more overt:

“Be a Professional Suzie Homemaker whose house is always spotless, meals are picture perfect, family dynamics are über-peaceful and has a flawless marriage!”

No.

“Be that mom who is president of the PTA, her local MOPS chapter, a Rotary Club member, and yoga instructor all-in-one!”

No, thanks.

“Take pictures of every interaction, every second of your day and post them to social media.  Because inquiring minds want to know how you spend all your time and who your best friends in the whole wide world are!”

Pass.

“Spend your days eating twigs and berries because everything else is going to give you cancer!”

Nope.  Eat that slice of cake.  In moderation, of course.

“Be that lady that goes to the gym every morning at 5 a.m. wearing nothing but spandex, because, you know, you’re that toned.”

Yeah, right!

May I touch on an issue that has dominated my newsfeed these days?  Politics.  I have kinsfolk and comrades on both sides of the fence.  I have witnessed families being torn apart, at least online, by differing opinions.  I refuse to take the bait.  Please do not mistake my online silence for apathy.  I would compare myself to the Chinese proverb that states, “Be like a duck: calm on the surface but paddling like mad underneath.”

---

As a Reformed People Pleaser, I have been humbled on many occasions.  I tend to think of life in semesters.  At the end of each one, I reevaluate who and what I am giving my time to.

Inevitably, every couple of years, adjustments have to be made.  I once assumed I would reach a stage where I would no longer overcommit to things, that it would become a struggle of the past.  This has not been the case.

There is the delicate balance of living life and affording opportunities for your children, but not letting busyness run you ragged.

Here’s to a year of more confident, but gracious no’s, in order that my yes’s be reserved for what warrants my undivided attention.