Serving Up Valentines

T-minus one day until Valentine’s Day!  There tend to be two opposite camps when it comes to celebrating this grandiose holiday.  Participants love it and go all out (read:  when I was in high school many years ago, the main office would be chalk full of red, pink and white balloons attached to life size bears).  This is not an exaggeration.  I was never on the receiving end of such pompous gestures, but I digress.

There are those that detest the thought of acknowledging the Hallmark occasion, swearing that love should be celebrated all the time, and not just on a particular day.  Whatever your side, there is no denying that at the core of who we are, we want to be and feel loved.

I have spoken with many couples over the years whose communication was at a crossfire.  A former coworker summed it up best.  After more than 30 years of marriage, his wife left him.  “She said I didn’t love her anymore,” he shared.  “She told me that our house and her closet were full of fine things, clothes, linens, but that wasn’t love.”  My heart broke for him.

In his book The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman outlines the five ways most people give and receive love.  Below, I have outlined them with some ideas on how to meet them.

If you do not know what your preferred language is, or that of your significant other or close friend(s), taking this quiz is a good place to start.

Acts of Service:  I am quite familiar with this category, as it is my most dominant one.  My day is made when my husband takes out the trash, does the dishes or helps with the laundry, particularly if I do not have to ask him to.  Likewise, when I prepare supper for him, take care of the children, or ask him if he would like something from the kitchen when I grab an item for myself, it is my way of showing him that I care.  Other ideas to help an Acts of Service extraordinaire feel loved:  fill up their gas tank, pick up the house one day, take the children off their hands so they can enjoy some alone time, and serve them a beverage or snack.

Quality Time:  I can go weeks without seeing some of my closest friends.  Because of the season of life I am currently in, sometimes this is the norm.  As long as I have their undivided attention when we are together, and vice-versa, my love cup is full.  This is also the case with long-distance friendships.  A special text to let me know I am being thought of goes a
long way, as do those rare, but cherished, phone conversations.  Helpful ideas for quality timers:  go out for a one-on-one coffee date, put the cell phone down, ask lots of questions and listen intently to their responses, and make good eye-contact.

Words of Affirmation:  My husband and I have been married for 7 1/2 years.  His spirit can live or die by my words.  I have seen him physically stand taller and walk stronger when I praise him.  His inner spirit perking up manifests itself on the outside.  For word lovers:  write what you love about them as a morning message on a mirror, in marker or lipstick, write them a special note and place it somewhere they would not expect it, call them and let them know all the ways you appreciate them, and let them hear you praising them in front of others.

Physical Touch:  While the practice of this particular form of communication may seem obvious, it is not always.  The art of physical touch is not only important to perfect in the bedroom with your spouse, but outside of it as well.  Simple gestures like holding hands, hugging, kissing and caressing in nonsexual ways are of utmost importance to a person whose number one goal is physical touch in a relationship.  Among girlfriends, I will occasionally reach out and pat them on the back, hug them or put my hand somewhere that affirms I am listening to them.

Gifts:  I must confess, this is the love language I struggle with the most.  I am not the best gift-giver.  Rather than trying to “break even” in returning my affection to people that have lavished me with presents, I have outright asked what they would like, made homemade gifts, gifted photos of our children and family to them, and paid careful attention to items they have mentioned they needed or wanted. Along with the gift idea card, AdoreMe has some great gift ideas on things from comfy pjs to workout gear that make great gifts.

Now tell me, do you and your significant other have fun traditions you do every year for Valentine’s Day?  Do you go out with friends?  If you did not previously know about their love languages, how is this new knowledge going to help you to better love and serve them in the future?  I would love to hear from you!