10 (Happy) Years Later

While vacationing on the island last week, I wrote “10 Years” in the sand to celebrate our upcoming marriage milestone. I handed my phone to my 7-year old and asked him to take a picture of my husband and me. Afterwards, he was looking at what I’d written with a pensive expression on his face.

“How about 10 ‘Happy’ Years,” he excitedly suggested. “Great idea, go ahead and add it,” I told him. My eyes were slightly teary, as I recalled just that morning my husband and I had an exchange of words in the kitchen before departing for our staycation. Concerned, our firstborn son held his fingers in his mouth and looked around on the verge of tears. Ultimately, we made-up and told our children it’s natural and acceptable to have disagreements, and we must learn to forgive and move forward.

I was especially struck by his suggestion of adding “happy” in light of that morning. Here was our blue-eyed boy, who, more than anyone, has a front-row seat to our union. If he has mostly observed happiness, we must be doing something right. It inspired me to think through and share some of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned regarding marriage during the last decade (in no particular order—sprinkled with photos from *some* of our favorite traveling adventures): 

1. There are seasons of giving and taking.

My husband started graduate school this January, a step I had prayed for years that he would take. I was elated but not completely prepared for how this would alter our lives as a family. One of the biggest adjustments was 24-27 hours, per week, of him studying, researching and writing papers (in addition to having a full-time job).

About two months in, I began to feel slightly resentful. The short-lived honeymoon period of him seizing this tremendous opportunity came to a screeching halt! An honest communicator, I approached him with my concerns. There were several conversations that followed in the next few months. By the time June rolled around, I accepted my new reality with contentment.

Prayers and conversations with other wives that had been through similar seasons helped, as well as a renewal of my perspective. I recalled all the times, during the last decade, that he selflessly served me: before, during and after the birth of our three children, and in and after the process of me writing my first book, to name a couple. I remembered that though lenghty, this was a season in our lives that would eventually pass. I didn’t want to simply survive it, I wanted to thrive in it, too.

2. Boundaries are good.

Early on in our union, one of the first serious conversations we had was that we would not discuss personal marital situations with members of our families. We love our extended family, and have gained much wisdom and many blessings from different people. However, we recognized that an objective perspective would be more helpful.

We did not desire to bring those we love into conflicts. This is where close couple friends, our small group, and occasionally, counseling, comes in. While we strongly believe in protecting one another, and not speaking poorly of the other person, venting is absolutely necessary. It has been my experience that if there is not an outlet, resentment grows, leading a couple to feel like they are all alone.

Hard talks need to happen, as well as readjusting boundaries as a marriage continues.

3. Money is a big deal.

One of the biggest revelations for me is that “it’s not how much you make, but you how handle what you make.” I have mentioned this before, and will likely again: one of the best things we did as an engaged couple was take Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University.

Within the first two years of marriage, all our debt was paid off, and we have lived debt-free on 90% (because we tithe) of mostly one-income for the past 7 years. Everything has a budget line. Everything.

There have been times where I’ve felt frustrated because we live so frugally, telling my husband in an unkind tone, “Just tell me how much I have so I can go shop.” However, I can’t recall a single moment where I feared whether or not we could pay all our bills. There is tremendous power and freedom in that.

Were things ever tight? Yes, uncomfortably so (for me), at one point. We went back to the drawing board, reevaluated and moved forward.

4. Saying “yes” to your spouse could eventually mean saying “no” to more attractive options.

Yup. I just wrote that, husband approved—ha! In a society that promotes lust and random sexual encounters above towing the line of monogamy, keeping yourself for your spouse is quite counter-cultural.

I love people, and finding common ground with most anyone I meet. There have been a handful of times since being a wife that I’ve been introduced to single men where there was instant chemistry on both ends. If thoughts lingered, I was quick to confess it to my accountability partners and ask for prayer. Most times, it stopped there.

There was one instance where someone pursued me. While the attention was flattering, I soon told my husband about it. “What kind of man pursues a married woman?” was all he had to ask to lift the small amount of fog that clouded my vision.

Being married to a man that cherishes me, confessing when I struggle with my thoughts, and ultimately, being reminded that I already made my choice, keeps me in check. I was relieved, sharing years ago with a girlfriend of mine, when she said, “Situations like that will come up in your marriage from time to time.”

5. Children are a blessing.

And it’s okay to occasionally go on trips without them. In fact, we HIGHLY recommend it. In our 10 years of matrimony, we have traveled to California, Dallas, South Padre Island and the Pacific Northwest sans the little ones. We have gone on many more adventures with them, though.

They are a joy, not a burden, and some of our greatest teachers in life. I have always seen myself surrounded by children, as a teacher, and as a child when my favorite show was The Brady Bunch. In fact, if I was younger, could pop them out naturally (I’ve had three c-sections), and was able to provide a great quality of life, I would want one more. 

I love being a homemaker and working part-time. My heart beats to mold their little minds, watch them grow and eventually release them into the world to make their own choices.

The original list of lessons I penned was longer than five points. There is still much to learn. My prayer as we continue forward is that we would not stop being students of one another, our children, our Lord and the world around us. I do not ever want to be at a place where I think we have “arrived” and know all things.

Thank you to our families and friends that have stood by our side and supported us; we would not be who we are without you.

(other favorite spots are Louisiana (and the whole South), skiing in New Mexico, vacationing near Dallas (Legoland!) and the Texas Hill Country)